Ambition

  Two things happen to most artist after the age of fifty. One is, they become far less ambitious. They no longer hunt for exhibitions, notoriety, or grants. Not that there are many grants left that you can apply for. Most are either they find you or it's a pay to play scheme. To me that's not a grant, it's a lottery. If an opportunity is offered that's different.

  

The second is that they make art solely for themselves. They are not interested in satisfying the taste of the general public, who usually have horrible taste to begin with. Ego disappears and their work becomes very personal. They've grown tired of "playing the rigged game" that is the art world. The deeper you go in it, the more you realize just how fake it is.

The allure of social media and even the internet all together is seen as a burden, a distraction. The downfall of the web is that is has given everyone a voice, no matter how self-serving or moronic. After awhile you grow tired of all the noise.

On a personal level, these are all things hit me six years ago when I turn 50. I now revel in my almost reclusiveness.  When free of it all your eyes are wide open and free from the sea of shit of self promotion on manipulated platforms. Obeying never-ending algorithms, censorship, and all the time consuming bullshit that goes along with it. I'm here to create, not to become a brand.

My tolerance level for internet experts or those who try to force their opinion on you is practically zilch. I'm seriously not interested in communicating with most people on the internet, and it's a burden that I have been ridding myself of over the last few years. Those that demand that I explain my work to them and when I refuse, or they can't comprehend my answer, their childish nature rears it head.

This brings me to the resurrection of my subway photography. People whom I never communicated with are expressing their distain of my dark, gritty, noisy, soft focus photographs. They are not satisfied with my explanation that this body of work is not straight documentation of the subway. It's about how I see it, my experiences, and my feelings when I'm riding on it. The commentary of it depicting, an unfriendly place, somewhat dangerous and sad at the same time either goes in one ear and out the other, or not comprehended.  

Same goes for the "negativity" of my subway poems. They're not negative, they are what I'm experiencing, and if you think the subway today is a rosy experience, try riding it with me for three hours at a time. And the comical thing about this is that I'm being judged by people who have either never stepped foot on the subway, or only ride it to and from work with their head down looking at their phone for the whole trip. That last group, well they comprise of at least 90% of all rush hour riders.

I really don't care what people think of my work, no matter if it's photography or my paintings. It's for me and the lucky few with an open mind to understand. And no, people don't have a right to know, no matter what their parents have told them.

In the end, I'm very happy with the artist I've become after 34 years. I'm at peace with what I do, I enjoy it, and only death will stop me from doing it. Entirely too many artists today, no matter the medium, are focused on becoming famous. Either in reality, or on the internet; whatever that means. Their work sways on trends, the art market, or some recent social issue. Those are all disingenuous reasons to create art.

I'm comfortable with thought that my audience hasn't been born yet. Not everyone needs or should be an artist of their time.